Billy’s Bakery.

NOTE: New format! Because of popular demand, we have removed the individual comments at the end of each entry, to give you a more succinct visual-tasting experience. Instead, these comments are sprinkled (for lack of a cooler word) throughout the body of the entry, leaving you with one overall impression per cupcake at the end. Bon appetit!

Date of excursion: 08.27.08

Cupcakes are back in session, my friends! Too bad school is, as well.

Indeed, the Cupcake Gang is reunited (and it feels quite nice).

After the summer came a-brewin’, the Gang was a-stewin’ for some cupcake action. However, this a-hankerin’ came at around 10:00 in the evening. And who’s going to sell a brothah cupcakes that late?! Billy’s Bakery, that’s who.

After a sweltering subway ride through the rough streets of Gotham, we arrived at our destination. Adorned with a quaint, painted sign (much like one would use for a baby’s room, should this baby be named “Billy’s Bakery”), it was easy to spot.

The gang entered the bakery to the smooth, upbeat sounds of party-time music. The cashiers were a-movin’ (and a-groovin’), probably in order to harness the powers of the Cupcake Gods. But we were all gods that night, friends. We all were.

“One of each, pwease,” Choco-Choco Chip requested.

The cashier danced and grumbled about missing a party tonight (missing what party? The party just walked through the door!). We received our golden box of cupcake fooderies, and promptly gathered our utensils and napkins, in search of a place to sit. But e’erybody in the club was getting cupsy at the tables! So we had to find seating in a separate establishment of foodstuffs.

So, where did we dine? None other than Starbucksia, located [everywhere in New York].

The air was sweet, and our forks were positioned for annihilation.

Flashing lights. What were we about to get into?

“Hot and tasty.”

“A racial slur?”

“Frickety fresh.”

In a classic Roe v. Wade debate, we could not decide which cupcake would be the first man up. Chocolate-chocolate? Chocolate-vanilla? Vanilla-chocolate? Vanilla-vanilla?

The classic forum for Vanilla and Choco-Choco Chip to mince words. Hidden tensions of the alpha-dog. Who is the leader? Are we in a democracy? A cupcakemocracy? A dictatorship? Can’t Vanilla and Chocolate co-exist?–

Enough! The decision was passed, and Chocolate-Vanilla was decided upon, due to preconceived notions that chocolate cake is sometimes unsatisfactory, as well as the Best for Lasteth Principle*.

The cut. Oooh, that’s some hard icing.

“No crumblin’ up in he-yah!” someone exclaimed amidst the pandemonium. An interesting mix–hard icing, and no-crumblin’?

“The cake is not delicious, but the icing isn’t pretentious,” Cappaccino Swirl jived, while swervin’ to smooth jams.

“This is dry and cocoa-tasting. The icing is unassuming. The sprinkles add a sweet crunch,” said Choco-Choco Chip.

“What a unique icing,” Lemon Meringue smarmed.

“Eatin’ snow. Choco is cray-cray,” Vanilla cooed.

Next up was Chocolate-Chocolate. A Chip family favorite.

An interesting trend. The chocolate cake in this cupcake, too, proved to be slightly under par–and this, unlike in miniature golf, was a “no-no” of sorts, my friends.

But wait a minute–Lemon Meringue interjects. She enjoys the cake, and likens it to a brownie!

An argument. A heap of buttery sand does not a cupcake make! Who threw that? Put your fists down! Leave Magnolia out of this!

Through this turmoil (and a heated and long-winded segue into the movie “Face Off”–which no one had seen), a common ground emerged: even if the cake nor the icing could be agreed upon, the sprinkles delicately placed upon these cupcakes were a universal “yes-yes.” A “yes-yes”, indeed.

Evidence of this fact: The Vanilla-Vanilla.

Disco lights on a Friday night–Sugar! That’s all that can be said for this sweet icing. Not the best icing, but certainly tasty.

But what about the cake itself? After two rounds of debatable chocolate cake, this moment was crucial…

Cue violin music. This cake was moist. Marvelous. M–…. Some other “m” adjective.

(Choco-Choco Chip curses under her breath as another chocolate cake bites the dust, and another vanilla cake reigns blows upon said dust.)

Due to this frenzy of excitement, it appears that the notes for our dear friend, Vanilla-Chocolate, were eaten. We’ve searched up, down, to the left (to the left, we’ve searched everything we own in that box to the left**), to the right–and we just cannot seem to come up with any other explanation for this crisis.

With that said, this entry is dedicated to you, Vanilla-Chocolate. May the forks be with you.

Done.

Overall

Chocolate-Vanilla

The best of the bunch. Good icing. Good sprinkles. Good presentation. Clean-cut. Fresh. Handsome.

Chocolate-Chocolate

Good sprinkle adornment. A tad dry for some, and fine-and-dandy for others. A true Equator division between the chocolate perceptions of the group. But this cupcake provided an honest effort for what Chip has deemed to be “an extremely worthy cause in this world of overpowering Vanillas.” She would not elaborate on the additional subtext of this statement.

Vanilla-Vanilla

A champion among cakes. A bit overambitious in terms of sugar in the icing. But, as usual, always right on target for sprinkles. It makes you want to hum a little tune.

Vanilla-Chocolate

We knew you well.

 

Billy’s Bakery

 

*The Best for Lasteth Principle, vetoed by President Nixon in 1972 only to be re-introduced into Congress during the presidency of Jimmy “Jimmies” Carter. It states that a grueling analysis of the palate compatibility of a cupcake shall be conducted before the mass-consumption of cupcakes.

**A lyric from a song titled “Irreplaceable.” We never quite understood what Beyonce was talking about in this song– who’s trying to replace cupcakes? Can’t be done.

Billy’s Bakery (1 location):

184 9th Avenue (Between 21st and 22nd Street) 212.647.9956 (We went to this location)

Average Cost: $2.50

Hours:

Sun. 9a-10p, Mon.-Thurs. 8:30a-11p,Fri.-Sat. 8:30a-12a

 

 

Jilly’s Cupcake Bar. (St. Louis, MO)

The cupcake gang may have parted ways for the summer, but that doesn’t mean the prowl for cupcake goodness ends at the borders of Manhattan.

Lemon Meringue returned to her native land of St. Louis still with the fresh scent of cake, frosting, and sprinkles in her nose. If St. Louis has created such greats as Chuck Berry, Nelly (…riding in a Range Rover), and Toasted Ravioli, it must also be the place for delicious cupcakes.

Since it opened in July 2007, Lemon Meringue has been eye-ing the polkadot and white front of Jilly’s Cupcake Bar, nestled on the corner of I-70 and Delmar. Her fascination with the place started even before her induction into the gang. Gourmet cupcake bakeries here are as uncommon as non-St. Louisans knowing about St. Paul sandwiches.

Lemon Meringue and her cousin, Cousin Meringue, were on their way to their grandmother’s house when they decided to stop by Jilly’s to try the cupcakes. They walked into a pleasant shop where Lemon Meringue and the cupcakes were separated by bullet-proof glass. No one can be too sure about what will happen when non-threatening threatening cupcake gang members have the right to bear arms.

After much deliberation, Lemon Meringue and Cousin Meringue settled on the cookie monster cupcake and the red velvet. The cupcakes are $4.25 each, which is quite a hefty price. However, the cupcakes had quite the attractive exterior–Jilly’s knows how to present their cupcakes right. Lemon Meringue and Cousin Meringue hoped the interior would be worth it.

They arrived at their grandma’s house and met up with Cousin Key Lime who brought lunch. Their grandma had recently fractured her arm; so doing everyday things had become harder for her. Before any eating or cupcake consumption could happen, Lemon Meringue and fam had some cleaning to do, and boy, did grannie leave them a nasty kitchen.

The laborious work of ridding the kitchen tile of its grease stains was done, and then it was on to lunch. After an appetizing meal, it was time for what Lemon Meringue lived for: cupcake consumption.

Cousin Meringue quartered the cookie monster cupcake. The vanilla cake was fluffy and sweet. Lemon Meringue was expecting the frosting to be hard, but it was just as soft as the cake. Cousin Meringue described it as buttery. Although Lemon Meringue is quite the sour one, she admits to having a soft spot for soft rock. So she would describe the frosting as silky smooth like Peter Frampton’s “Baby, I Love Your Way.”

“This cookie half looks like a Pac Man.”

If the cake was money, it’d be $2.12. If the frosting was money, it’d be $2.13. Altogether that cookie monster was worth every penny.

On to the red velvet.

After Cousin Meringue prepared the red velvet cupcake for consumption, Lemon Meringue held her slice in her hand with wariness. She openly expressed that she might be disappointed again, especially after having had that Red Velvet cupcake from Crumbs, “which tasted a lot like sucking on a penny.” Nevertheless Lemon Meringue ate the cupcake with an open mind.

“What does this one taste like? A quarter?” asked Cousin Key Lime.

If by quarter she was referring to George Washington’s warning against partisanship in his Farewell Address, then yes, the red velvet cupcake tasted like a quarter. The actual cake in all its red glory was neither good nor bad, but something to munch on. (Lemon Meringue has come to the conclusion that perhaps she doesn’t really know what red velvet is supposed to taste like or just doesn’t care for it.) Fortunately, the frosting made up for the cake’s neutrality. Hidden inside the cake was a brown surprise of what seemed to be caramel. After, finishing off the red velvet, Lemon Meringue noticed the taste of cheesecake. This cupcake was quite the Puppy Surprise.

In upholding the ideals of the cupcakeocracy, Jilly’s Cupcake Bar has done it’s honorable duty right in the heart of Middle America. Good cupcakes. Good surprises. Good times.

Surprise! It’s the S’murtle.

Jilly’s Cupcake Bar:

8509 Delmar Boulevard in St. Louis, MO
314.993.JILLY (5455)
http://www.jillyscupcakebar.com/

Average cost of cupcake: $4.25

Hours:
Monday – Friday: 10am – 7pm ; Lunch served: 11am – 2pm
Brunch/Lunch served Saturday: 9am – 2pm ; Sunday: 9am-4pm

“Hiatus.”

Hello Cupcake Public,

We regret to inform you that the Cupcake Gang has parted ways for the summer. Indeed, the embassies of Minnesotania, Paw, Transylvania, and Misery called, begging us to sample the cupcakes of their lands.

We realize that the lack of updates this summer will inconvenience you, the innocent Cupcake-Hungry Public–and we apologize. But stay strong, Public, and save some room in your stomachs for some supreme Cupcake Action in the fall. (And feel free to eat cupcakes during the summer, too).

All the best,

The Cupcake Gang

Whole Foods Market.

Date of Excursion: 3.8.08

The gang headed over to Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco Chip’s box. They decided to play “Name That Dorm Room”, “Name X Amount Of Countries That Start With The Letter I’m About To Give You” (”name” pronounced “neighm” [in an "uptalk" manner]), and “What Would You Do With $1,000?”. For the last game, Cappuccino Swirl wanted a fancy hotel; Choco-Choco Chip wanted a jacket (and approximately $950); Lemon Meringue wanted filmmaking equipment; Vanilla wanted to analyze the modern-day effects of the century-old notion of “Orientalism” in Japan. The room was abuzz. After Vanilla collapsed from all of the excitement, the gang decided it was time to mosey on down to to get some cupcakes, for a good, old-fashioned cupcake boogie-down.

The gang decided to evaluate the cupcakes of local grocery stores. But which store to pick? It was a regular case of Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Forever 21 was quite warm, and apparently only sold clothes; Trader Joe’s was closed, and could only be reached after trudging through the cold rain; the only other options, it seemed, were Food Emporium and Whole Foods.

The decision was tough. To expedite the process, the gang decided to undergo mitosis, and split up. Cappuccino Swirl and Lemon Meringue stayed at Whole Foods, while Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla (enemies) went to Food Emporium. After a heated debate, some bloodshed, and the reconcilatory exploding high fives, the gang decided to buy the Whole Foods cupcakes. The porridge was just right.

After the cupcakes (Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate) were purchased, it was again time to head back to Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco Chip’s box (owner Mrs. Haversham).

And surprise-surprise-puppy-surprise, a bottle of sparkling lemonade suddenly appeared! This was sure to be a feast for kings.

After opening the cupcake boxes, we soon realized how relevant Plessy vs Ferguson still was to this day.

But nonetheless, we decided to dive on in. We toasted: “Un brindis para el mundo” (enunciated heavily).

We tried to eat Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate in one bite. It was wild.

We found ourselves a bit saddened by the fact that, at Whole Foods, we could only choose between Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate. So what did the creative, crafty, cool, clever, cunning, and attractive cupcake gang do? We began to contemplate what vanilla/chocolate and chocolate/vanilla babies would look like. How would this even be accomplished? Via a squishing mechanism*? Via transplant**?

After choosing the latter strategy, we finally decided to operate. We dipped into the box o’ knives in order to surgically manipulate their phenotypical data. Dr. Choco-Choco Chip made a seamless incision (you know, her father always wanted her to go to medical school). And what did Dr. Frankenstein create (after several clumps of frosting falling– due to the whispery, panda-ness of the Vanilla, especially)? None other than Vanilla Chocolate and Chocolate Vanilla.

The sinister music began to play.

After consuming these, and noting the surprisingly urine-like appearance of the sparkling lemonade, we concluded that perhaps the grocery industry may be good for the overall purpose of feeding one’s family, but when it comes to the noble cause of delicious cupcakes, it falls slightly flat. Don’t get us wrong– the cupcakes were not toxic. They were not made of rat droppings. They did not have the consistency of sand. However, the general rule seems to be: eat one, leave the rest for another time. Perhaps for a tea luncheon with your nanny and/or posse.

Or maybe our somewhat negative feelings are simply a result of the fact that the mass produced may simply not mesh with the our delicate pallettes. But seeing as how we of the [threatening] non-threatening Cupcake Gang are just like you viewers out there, and we consequently have similar, tolerant pallettes, this is unlikely. We apologize, Whole Foods. It’s not your fault that, as a grocery store, you cannot focus all of your energies onto cupcakes (even though they are a staple food).

Overall

Vanilla Vanilla

Cappuccino Swirl: Vanilla Vanilla. Not harmonious with my pallette.

Choco-Choco Chip: The vanilla icing was VERY stong and VERY sweet. Unlike the Vanilla we know.

Lemon Meringue: The frosting was a bright white.

Vanilla: Dey so kute. 2cayoote.

Chocolate Chocolate

Cappuccino Swirl: The swirl of the forsting was jivin’ to Cappuccino Swirl’s taste. Smooth.

Choco-Choco Chip: The cake was a bit crummy (PUN 100% INTENDED, dizzle). The icing was luxurious-ish. BAM.

Lemon Meringue: The frosting was nice and the chocolate cake was what you’d expect from a mass-produced cupcake.

Vanilla: One effin’ bite.

Vanilla Chocolate (Vanilla icing, Chocolate cake)

Cappuccino Swirl: Sha-bam-jazz. I was not lost in the chocolatey smoothness.***

Choco-Choco Chip: I don’t like when my icing tries to kidnap my mouth. I want my mouth to feel whatever it wants. This icing didn’t let me feel. And the cake? Can you say “sub-par carnival?”

Lemon Meringue: I’ll leave the commentary about this chocolate-vanilla cupcake to Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla. Because I can.

Vanilla: Integration of people: good. Integration of cupcakes: maybe not.

Chocolate Vanilla (Chocolate icing, Vanilla cake)

Cappuccino Swirl: Too much for Cappuccino Swirl. ‘Nough for now.

Choco-Choco Chip: The icing was delightful–but I liken the cake to Bobby Brady from “the Brady Bunch”– seemingly innocent, but actually a tad disgusting, perverted, and childish.

Lemon Meringue: I won’t leave commentary to Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla. This was a successful experiment in integration.

Vanilla: What did I just eat?

*A squishing mechanism, also known as a distal glucose compression, involves fusing two cupcakes together via their own respective icings. The result is a mass of cupcake, very similar to what a Now 16! CD looks like (if we knew what a Now! CD was). Sometimes, swanky music accompanies a distal glucose compression.

**The process by which frosting and cake combinations are switched, often resulting in psychological trauma/post-traumatic stress disorder in mentally-unstable cupcakes. This is also known as frosting reassignment surgery (FRS).

***Highly “paraphrased.”

Whole Foods Market

Cost of the box of 12 cupcakes $4.99

1) Union Square

40 E 14th Street

Fax: 212.673. 5393

2) Bowery

95 E Houston St

Fax: 212. 420. 1360

3) Chelsea

250 7th Ave212. 924 .9923

4) Columbus Circle

10 Columbus Circle

Ste. SC101

Fax: 212. 823. 9610

 

Crumbs.

Date of excrusion: 2.23.08

The Cupcake Gang was watching a scary movie about a girl who must have had rabies (or maybe she was a thirteen-year-old) when they got a hankering for some cupcakes. They trekked over to the nearest cupcakery– Crumbs.

It had a large window which beckoned us like a beckoner to its beckonee.

It took approximately 11.6 years (leap years included) to choose what cupcakes to purchase. There were so many cupcake candidates to choose from, it was like the Democratic primary– so many delicious options (oh, and the cupcakes looked good, too).

Vanilla asked Mr. PimpCake, “What is your favorite cupcake?”

Mr. PimpCake replied, “Well, actually I’m allergic to them, so I haven’t tried any of them. But red velvet is the most popular.”

We examined Red Velvet. Done.

Vanilla asked Mr. PimpCake, “What is your second most popular cupcake?”

Mr. PimpCake replied, “The Artie Lange.” Done.

Sensing an oncoming friendship, Vanilla then asked PimpmasterCake, “What is your third most popular cupcake?”

PimpyCake replied (in a somewhat disgruntled tone of voice), “I don’t keep a list of these things.”

Vanilla, after sobbing on the ground and being escorted to a nearby therapy center, returned to state the original premise of her question: “What would you suggest?”

PimpaZilla replied, “Cookie dough.”

We decided to purchase a vanilla cupcake with chocolate buttercream frosting.

“It smells like a Quizno’s sub,” Cappuccino Swirl stated. No one agreed.

We sat at a table near the windows. We opened our Pandora’s plastic box of cupcakes to undress Cupcake One (chocolate buttercream). As we began to toast our cakes, Cappuccino Swirl noted the incest between our cake pieces, as they began to touch and crumble upon each other in the name of love.

We noted the music taste of the Crumbs staff. We approved.

[Red Hot Chili Peppers Interlude. Sexy.]

Lemon Meringue spilled cupcakes all over the table. The table was 3 inches away from explosion, but Lemon Meringue slurped the crumbs up just in time. Crisis averted.

Then, it was time for Cupcake Two (Artie Lange).

“This cake is in my fingernails,” said Choco-Choco Chip. “It’s like Indian food, without the stains.”

We began to dissect the cupcake. Lemon Meringue taught Vanilla about vanilla intercourse.

“I enjoy the circumference of this cupcake. It looks like the trim of a skirt,” said Lemon Meringue.

There was an awkward pause as a lady dropped something on the ground. Cappuccino Swirl thought it was a bag of forks. Lemon Meringue thought it was a very controlled shattering of glass. Choco-Choco Chip thought it was a baby made out of newspaper. Vanilla thought.

There’s chocolate filling in this cupcake, we collectively noted. “Surprise, surprise, puppy surprise!”

It appeared that these Crumbs cupcakes required some sort of beverage, as their intense moistness was difficult to handle alone. Milk or water is certainly a must for cupcake amateurs and experts alike. 

Crumbs was certainly an appropriate name for this place, as we noted the increasing moistness of the cupcake that Choco-Choco Chip likens to melting butter. The cake crumbled all over the table, again. Lemon Meringue slurped it up, as explained earlier.

After Cupcake Two was destroyed, we moved onto Cupcake Three (red velvet). Red velvet. So ominous (we likened the inside to blood and guts).

[Plastic fork fight between Vanilla and Choco-Choco Chip. "You're making fire in my loins," said Vanilla.]

Cupcake Three was an obstacle. It was tough, not moist. It was red, not… other colors. It was… salty? (No one else agreed with Cappuccino Swirl on this one.)

“It tastes like cloth.”

“It tastes like metal.”

“It tastes like a coin.”

“It tastes like a young woman’s chewed up purse.”

“It tastes like bread. Bad bread.”

“D for disgusting.”

[A water bottle continued to roll off of the table. The table almost exploded.]

Vanilla caught Lemon Meringue on Candid Camera, much to Lemon Meringue’s disappointment. Lemon Meringue likened her photograph to a disgruntled cat. Choco-Choco Chip loves disgruntled cats.

Eventually, Cupcake Three was destroyed. Even though he put up a fight, we still won.

As our journey at Crumbs came to a close, we concluded that there was one common theme throughout every cupcake in the world, whether it was moist, dry, hard, rough, smelly, sticky, drippy, hot, sparkly, scandalous, unattractive, voluptuous, or sweet: each cupcake is individual. Each cupcake is sassy. Each cupcake has a song to sing.

Overall:

Cupcake One (Chocolate Buttercream)

Cappuccino Swirl: The chocolate buttercream frosting was silky smooth*, and the sprinkles added that BAM crunch.

Choco-Choco Chip: The yellow cake is silky-smooth like Akon’s voice. But so silky-smooth that it CRUMBles. The icing was pretty dec[ent].

Lemon Meringue: The fluffy YELLOW cake was adorned with a generous helping of frosting, but could I tell that it was buttercream chocolate? … It was just candies and sprinkles.

Vanilla: I would eat just the bottom.

Cupcake Two: Artie Lange

Cappuccino Swirl: The cupcake made my throat dry like a desert. But it was a decent dessert. I liked the crunchy topping. I’m all for the crunch.

Choco-Choco Chip: Again. A good cake (but very crumbly). I liken the icing to Mike Brady from “the Brady Bunch”: very serious, and linoleum-like. It was cool, but not the cooliest.

Lemon Meringue: After a quick caucus with my taste buds, I found the cupcake to be very rich in chocolate (the top and the filling), but the filling was needed to keep the flaky cake together.

Vanilla: I like cake.

Cupcake Three (Red Velvet)

Cappaccino Swirl: Cappuccino Swirl was less than pleased. Taste was a tich salty. Frosting was dec[ent].

Choco-Choco Chip: The cake itself was very tough– it was like chewing a piece of cloth covered with wimpy, flimsy, whispery icing. I liken this cupcake to a sugary con artist– you SEEM delicious, but you are truly quite evil.

Lemon Meringue: If this cupcake were a red velvet carpet, it would be one leading to nowhere. The taste… I couldn’t name it. It had no direction. I say “Make it cake”, and it definite wasn’t made.

Vanilla: FRIENDZ. Not with this one.

*”silky smooth” (as mentioned in Cappuccino Swirl’s comment) and “silky-smooth” (as mentioned in Choco-Choco Chip’s proceeding comment) are completely different phrases–in every way imaginable.

Crumbs (6 locations):

1) The Village: 37 East 8th Street (Between University Place and Greene Street) 212.673.1500 (We went to this location)

Average Cost: $3.25

2) Wall Street: 87 Beaver Street (Between Hanover Street and Pearl Street) 212.480.7500

3) Bryant Park: 43 West 42nd Street (Between 5th Ave. and 6th Ave.) 212.221.1500

4) Upper East Side: 1371 Third Avenue (Intersection of Third Ave. and 78th Street) 212.794.9800

5) Upper West Side: 321 1/2 Amsterdam Avenue (Intersection of Amsterdam Ave. and 75th Street) 212.712.9800

6) East Hampton: 35 Newtown Lane (Between Park Place and Main Street)

Hours:

1) Sunday 10a -9p, Mon. 7:30a-9p, Tues.-Thurs. 7:30a-10p, Fri. 7:30a -11p, Sat. 10a -11p

2) Sun.- CLOSED, Mon.-Fri. 7:30a-8p, Sat.- CLOSED

3) Sun. – CLOSED, Mon.-Fri. 7a-8p, Sat. – CLOSED

4) Sun. 8:30a-9p, Mon.-Tues. 7:30a-9p, Wed.-Fri. 7:30a-10p, Sat. 8:30a-11p

5) Sun. 8:30a-9p, Mon.-Tues. 7:30a-9p, Wed.-Fri. 7:30a-10p, Sat. 8:30a-11p

6) Unavailable

Cupcake Cafe.

Date of excursion: 2.1.08

It was raining and pouring. The old man was not snoring.

Vanilla and Lemon Meringue trekked with their Zyrtec (TM) umbrellas*; Cappuccino Swirl’s umbrella was red and Choco-Choco Chip’s umbrella was large and unsightly. They were on their way to the Cupcake Café.

[As a side story, Choco-Choco Chip's greatest fear (aside from ketchup pee) is when her umbrella blows upward.]

Choco-Choco Chip’s umbrella went insane. It blew upward, and exploded.

Once we arrived at the Cupcake Café, we noted the friendly amalgamation of a children’s book store and a bakery, conveniently decorated for Valentine’s Day. Children adorned one half of the bakery, while the elderly were sprinkled throughout the other half.

We were greeted by the phrase, “Would you like some free brownie samples?” “Indubitably,” we collectively thought. But “Yes,” we collectively replied.

“Well, milk is five dollars. That’s where they get you,” said the man.

We were afraid to laugh, as we do not get the chance to do that often, given the nature of our work. Apparently he was kidding, so we saw a light chortle to be a fitting response.

We purchased cupcakes, and sat down on the border between Children’s Books, USA and Cupcake Land, Mexico. One might think that we could feel the animosity of bitter rivalry and forced adjacency in these two conflicting worlds. On the contrary–we did not. Instead, it was a magical realm of fairytales and transnational harmony.

The first cupcake we undressed (so-called Cupcake One) was a walnut cake with maple icing. The be-flowered cupcake presented a puzzling mixture of flavors during the pre-tasting stage. However, upon the actual tongue-cupcake interface, everyone was pleased (in different ways). The icing had the consistency of chilled butter (the cupcakes are refrigerated!), but tasted like fresh ice cream, while the cake part was more hearty and bread-like.

“It tastes like maple syrup.”

[independently of this statement] “It tastes like PANCAKES.”

It did.

“Walnuts? Protein? Protein? Protein?”

Next, came Cupcake Two: mocha cake, with chocolate icing. Adorned with two purple flowers, this cupcake, like it’s maple counterpart, was dressed for success (until we got to it). The icing had a similar, fanciful taste.

We debated purchasing a third cupcake, and finally, after a [non-threatening] bloody battle between Vanilla and Choco-Choco Chip, Vanilla reigned blows upon Choco-Choco Chip’s head, stepped on it, and ran to the counter in order to request a vanilla cupcake with vanilla icing.

“The flowers [on the cupcake] look like boobs,” Anonymous said.

An unequal cut down the middle led to disaster. “Someone is not going to get pollen,” Choco-Choco Chip stated. No one seemed fazed (it turns out, the Zyrtec (TM) helped all of us avoid allergic reactions to the pollen, too!).

Cupcake Three had the same icing consistency as Cupcakes One and Two. Meaning? Crazy delicious.

We entered the Cupcake Café with high hopes and empty stomachs. We left filled with the hearty bread-like nature of the cupcakes, and the dessert-like airiness of the icing. It was truly a dinner for champions.

Overall:

Cupcake One: Maple Walnut

Cappuccino Swirl: This cupcake was mapley goodness. Cappuccino Swirl was satizfied.

Choco-Choco Chip: It was nutty, but not TOO nutty. It was maple-y, but not TOO maple-y. This is what’s sappenin’. Kazaam!

Lemon Meringue: The icing was the sweet sappiness to my sour.

Vanilla: It’s a muffin. <:)

Cupcake Two: Chocolate Mocha

Cappuccino Swirl: The mocha taste was subtle and smooth. Not as BAM as Cappucino Swirl, but still very jivin’.

Choco-Choco Chip: I completely understand where C2 is coming from. We understand each other. I liken the icing to watching “Space Jam” for the first time–a very positive experience.

Lemon Meringue: It was mocha, but not a bitter coffee.

Vanilla: Huh. I want to go read those children’s books.

Cupcake Three: Vanilla Vanilla

Cappuccino Swirl: The icing was jazzy awesomeness, I would jive with this cupcake anytime.

Choco-Choco Chip: Despite my ongoing feud with Vanilla, I must commit treason against my chocolate brothers. This was the best of the three. It was like dessert, yo.

Lemon Meringue: Cute and yellow. Good.

Vanilla: That’s-a-mah-baby!

*Vanilla, Choco-Choco Chip, and Lemon Meringue went to a Zyrtec (TM)** Paradise in Central Park, one day, based on the false premise of hot chocolate. We did not get hot chocolate, but we sure did get a mouthful of whimsy, free umbrellas, and reggae music.

**Did you know that Zyrtec (TM) is now available over-the-counter?

Cupcake Cafe (two locations):

1) 18 W. 18th St. (between 5th and 6th Ave). 212.465.1530 (We went to this location)

Average cost of cupcake: $3.00

2) 545 9th Ave (between 40th and 41 St.) 212.268.9975

Hours:

1) Sun. 9am-7pm, Mon.-Sat. 8am-8pm

2) Sun. 9am-7pm, Mon.-Fri. 7am-7pm, Sat. 8am-7pm

Magnolia Bakery.

Date of excursion: 2.14.08

It was nighttime, and our cupcake senses were tingling. After long hours of homework, silence, and solitude in the library, we sent out a text to our beloved Cappuccino Swirl (who could not join us that evening, due to a coffee-related emergency). “Magnolia. 9:42 PM.” Done.

We trekked on a different route to Magnolia. It took approximately three years to reach. But when we did, oh when we did, we were ready to ‘mack on some cupcakes.

The story behind Magnolia is an interesting one. Two friends started the business years ago, but parted ways. One friend kept Magnolia, and the other made a rivalry bakery– Buttercup Bakery. Magnolia, on the one hand, gained popularity from Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell’s “Lazy Sunday” SNL Digital Short. It was also featured on HBO’s “Sex in the City”, although New York’s “Sex in the City” tour will provide you with Buttercup cupcakes (to eat in front of Magnolia). You could cut that tension with a cupcake knife, or plastic fork, as we like to do it.

After struggling to purchase our cupcakes through the massive sea of people (as, frequently, the line to Magnolia extends out into the street), and bidding farewell to the Magnolia be-aproned bouncer (yes), we settled ourselves in the park across the street, at one of the quaint chess boards.

Unfortunately, after we undressed our first cupcake (chocolate chocolate), a rivalry gang (we define “gang” in this sentence as a group of people with a common goal to intimidate and/or eat cupcakes) began to bust our chops. “How much did those cost?”, they asked condescendingly. We made no reply. “You just used your American Express card, and said ‘Hey Rico*, keep the change!’” They also mentioned that they had some very nice MySpaces we could look at.**

So as to avoid what would surely have become a street brawl, we decided to pick up our plastic forks, and bounce. We headed over to Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco Chip’s box. The owners of the box gladly accepted our request for a photo.

We began to undress the remaining cupcakes. The vanilla icing on Cupcake Two was a pastel green, and the cake was vanilla as well (Vanilla was enthralled). We bit.

“This tastes like a Chinese thing I’ve eaten before,” said Lemon Meringue.

“Mooncakes?”

We likened Cupcake Two to several things. Cappuccino Swirl compared it to a Betty Crocker mix, while Choco-Choco Chip compared it to Alice from “the Brady Bunch”– wait, no–Cindy from “the Brady Bunch.” “It’s like a big, soft, [panda]. It doesn’t hold up.”

“Do you remember the episode of “the Brady Bunch” with the see-saw contest?

They were trying to see if they could break a record for see-saw-ing, and then this news reporter came to interview Bobby and Cindy… how difficult could that have possibly been?”

“Well, it takes a lot of leg strength…”

“No.”

“Cindy has a lisp.”

Cupcake Two was soon destroyed. We liked “the Brady Bunch” movie.

Cupcake Three was a Valentine’s Day cupcake. It had chocolate cake with vanilla (pink!) icing. Stabbed through the heart of the icing was a plastic heart stick ($0.50– thanks for that post-purchase memo, Magnolia). There was also a sugar heart embedded into the icing. Vanilla ate it. “Eww.”

Cupcake Three was likened to a Barbie cupcake. Not because it was tall, busty, and had an eating disorder, but more so because it was explosively pink.

The sugary pink sprinkles intertwined into the swirls of tufted frosting were a nice touch. It was like a hidden surprise in every bite. Alas, there was another hidden surprise–a sub-par chocolate-cake taste. The frosting, thereby, overpowered the cupcake.

We tried to compare Cupcake Three to Cupcake One (in that they both had chocolate cake). We concluded that we could not quite remember Cupcake One– most likely due to all the marijuana that was in the air at the time, emanating from the rivalry gang.

[Marijuana interlude: ten minutes. Discussion topics included smell, identification, and awareness.]

Cupcake Four had a vanilla cake with chocolate icing (and rainbow dot sprinkles)! We also likened this cupcake to Barbie. Again– Cupcake Four was not a blonde, plastic, woman who was having sexual relations with a man-doll named Ken, but instead looked more like a freeze frame from a Barbie commercial. You know, when she throws the glitter, and the screen flashes “Barbie”, and it says “Barbie.com, but first ask dad or mom.” It’s really clever advertising.

["Dibs not"? Or "Nose goes"? Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco chip debate. Are either arguments valid?]

Cappuccino Swirl claims the cupcake was too stale (due to the fact that, at Magnolia, you serve yourself from a tray of cupcakes they, unfortunately, leave by the constantly-opening door).

Lemon Meringue becomes sour during the traditional cake toast. “Your cake is TOUCHING me.”

Overall:

Cupcake One: Chocolate Chocolate

Cappuccino Swirl: Swirly goodness, but not as hip-happening as I thought.

Choco-Choco Chip: That frosting was on the heazy! I wish I could just slurble it. Choco and choco, yo? I likes the sound of that. The cake itself exploded, by the way. Because it was DYNO-MITE. But not actually.

Lemon Meringue: Lots of chocolate… a little bitter, like lemon.

Vanilla: Frosting. And some uneccesary people. Also– bathroom in bar.***

Cupcake Two: Vanilla Vanilla

Cappuccino Swirl: Cake was like Betty Crocker. I felt like I could make this in my easy-bake oven. The frostin’ was pretty jammin’. The color was chillsville green.

Choco-Choco Chip: (Vanilla)^2? It was really like (Vanilla)^(CRAZY). And it was like red vines.

[drew picture of a bottle, a seal, and a chair.]

Lemon Meringue: The cake was yellow but mushy. Green frosting = good times.

Vanilla: Da best.

Cupcake Three: Valentine’s Day

Cappuccino Swirl: Festive, you know I dig the whole pink thing. Nice decoration. Chocolate part totally normal.

Choco-Choco Chip: The chocolate cake, if he were on a playground, would be last week’s cool kid. But he’s not this week’s cool kid. The frosting was this week’s cool kid. But since the week is over, he’s less cool. The kid had heart and soul, though. I gotta say.

Lemon Meringue: Good presentation. Bad holiday.

Vanilla: I ate the heart made of candy.

Cupcake Four: Chocolate Vanilla

Cappuccino Swirl: It was stale.

Choco-Choco Chip: The rainbow sprinkles added the right amount of crunch. The frosting is slippin’ and sloshin’ like a cocoa waterfall.

Lemon Meringue: I know this is the Barbie-looking cupcake, but where’s the Lemon Meringue-looking cupcake?

Vanilla: Done.

*We are in no way associated with the degradation of minorities, as all the members of the Cupcake Gang are minorities themselves. Yes, even Vanilla is a minority. Not that non-minorities are racists. Just thought we’d add this politically-correct insight so as to familiarize you with the Cupcake Gang’s non-threatening threatening exterior.

**As much as Rupert Murdoch looks like a sour-faced old man, Lemon Meringue is philosophically opposed to MySpace.

***Due to the fact that Magnolia does not have a bathroom, Vanilla was forced to go to a bathroom in a local bar. She was wearing her signature, official Cupcake-Gang backpack, and the bar rats were threatened.

Magnolia Bakery (2 locations):

1) Downtown: 401 Bleecker Street (Intersection of 11th Street and Bleecker Street) 212.462.2572 (We went to this location)

Average cost of cupcake: $2.50

2) Uptown: 200 Columbus Avenue (Intersection of 69th Street and Columbus Ave.) 212.724.8101

Hours:

1) Sun. 10am-11:30pm, Mon. 12pm-11:30pm, Tues.-Thurs. 9am-11:30pm, Fri. 9am-12:30am, Sat. 10am-12:30am

2) Sun. 7am-10:30pm, Mon.-Thurs. 7am-11:30pm, Fri.-Sat. 7am-12:30am