Whole Foods Market.

Date of Excursion: 3.8.08

The gang headed over to Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco Chip’s box. They decided to play “Name That Dorm Room”, “Name X Amount Of Countries That Start With The Letter I’m About To Give You” (“name” pronounced “neighm” [in an "uptalk" manner]), and “What Would You Do With $1,000?”. For the last game, Cappuccino Swirl wanted a fancy hotel; Choco-Choco Chip wanted a jacket (and approximately $950); Lemon Meringue wanted filmmaking equipment; Vanilla wanted to analyze the modern-day effects of the century-old notion of “Orientalism” in Japan. The room was abuzz. After Vanilla collapsed from all of the excitement, the gang decided it was time to mosey on down to to get some cupcakes, for a good, old-fashioned cupcake boogie-down.

The gang decided to evaluate the cupcakes of local grocery stores. But which store to pick? It was a regular case of Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Forever 21 was quite warm, and apparently only sold clothes; Trader Joe’s was closed, and could only be reached after trudging through the cold rain; the only other options, it seemed, were Food Emporium and Whole Foods.

The decision was tough. To expedite the process, the gang decided to undergo mitosis, and split up. Cappuccino Swirl and Lemon Meringue stayed at Whole Foods, while Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla (enemies) went to Food Emporium. After a heated debate, some bloodshed, and the reconcilatory exploding high fives, the gang decided to buy the Whole Foods cupcakes. The porridge was just right.

After the cupcakes (Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate) were purchased, it was again time to head back to Cappuccino Swirl and Choco-Choco Chip’s box (owner Mrs. Haversham).

And surprise-surprise-puppy-surprise, a bottle of sparkling lemonade suddenly appeared! This was sure to be a feast for kings.

After opening the cupcake boxes, we soon realized how relevant Plessy vs Ferguson still was to this day.

But nonetheless, we decided to dive on in. We toasted: “Un brindis para el mundo” (enunciated heavily).

We tried to eat Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate in one bite. It was wild.

We found ourselves a bit saddened by the fact that, at Whole Foods, we could only choose between Vanilla Vanilla and Chocolate Chocolate. So what did the creative, crafty, cool, clever, cunning, and attractive cupcake gang do? We began to contemplate what vanilla/chocolate and chocolate/vanilla babies would look like. How would this even be accomplished? Via a squishing mechanism*? Via transplant**?

After choosing the latter strategy, we finally decided to operate. We dipped into the box o’ knives in order to surgically manipulate their phenotypical data. Dr. Choco-Choco Chip made a seamless incision (you know, her father always wanted her to go to medical school). And what did Dr. Frankenstein create (after several clumps of frosting falling– due to the whispery, panda-ness of the Vanilla, especially)? None other than Vanilla Chocolate and Chocolate Vanilla.

The sinister music began to play.

After consuming these, and noting the surprisingly urine-like appearance of the sparkling lemonade, we concluded that perhaps the grocery industry may be good for the overall purpose of feeding one’s family, but when it comes to the noble cause of delicious cupcakes, it falls slightly flat. Don’t get us wrong– the cupcakes were not toxic. They were not made of rat droppings. They did not have the consistency of sand. However, the general rule seems to be: eat one, leave the rest for another time. Perhaps for a tea luncheon with your nanny and/or posse.

Or maybe our somewhat negative feelings are simply a result of the fact that the mass produced may simply not mesh with the our delicate pallettes. But seeing as how we of the [threatening] non-threatening Cupcake Gang are just like you viewers out there, and we consequently have similar, tolerant pallettes, this is unlikely. We apologize, Whole Foods. It’s not your fault that, as a grocery store, you cannot focus all of your energies onto cupcakes (even though they are a staple food).

Overall

Vanilla Vanilla

Cappuccino Swirl: Vanilla Vanilla. Not harmonious with my pallette.

Choco-Choco Chip: The vanilla icing was VERY stong and VERY sweet. Unlike the Vanilla we know.

Lemon Meringue: The frosting was a bright white.

Vanilla: Dey so kute. 2cayoote.

Chocolate Chocolate

Cappuccino Swirl: The swirl of the forsting was jivin’ to Cappuccino Swirl’s taste. Smooth.

Choco-Choco Chip: The cake was a bit crummy (PUN 100% INTENDED, dizzle). The icing was luxurious-ish. BAM.

Lemon Meringue: The frosting was nice and the chocolate cake was what you’d expect from a mass-produced cupcake.

Vanilla: One effin’ bite.

Vanilla Chocolate (Vanilla icing, Chocolate cake)

Cappuccino Swirl: Sha-bam-jazz. I was not lost in the chocolatey smoothness.***

Choco-Choco Chip: I don’t like when my icing tries to kidnap my mouth. I want my mouth to feel whatever it wants. This icing didn’t let me feel. And the cake? Can you say “sub-par carnival?”

Lemon Meringue: I’ll leave the commentary about this chocolate-vanilla cupcake to Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla. Because I can.

Vanilla: Integration of people: good. Integration of cupcakes: maybe not.

Chocolate Vanilla (Chocolate icing, Vanilla cake)

Cappuccino Swirl: Too much for Cappuccino Swirl. ‘Nough for now.

Choco-Choco Chip: The icing was delightful–but I liken the cake to Bobby Brady from “the Brady Bunch”– seemingly innocent, but actually a tad disgusting, perverted, and childish.

Lemon Meringue: I won’t leave commentary to Choco-Choco Chip and Vanilla. This was a successful experiment in integration.

Vanilla: What did I just eat?

*A squishing mechanism, also known as a distal glucose compression, involves fusing two cupcakes together via their own respective icings. The result is a mass of cupcake, very similar to what a Now 16! CD looks like (if we knew what a Now! CD was). Sometimes, swanky music accompanies a distal glucose compression.

**The process by which frosting and cake combinations are switched, often resulting in psychological trauma/post-traumatic stress disorder in mentally-unstable cupcakes. This is also known as frosting reassignment surgery (FRS).

***Highly “paraphrased.”

Whole Foods Market

Cost of the box of 12 cupcakes $4.99

1) Union Square

40 E 14th Street

Fax: 212.673. 5393

2) Bowery

95 E Houston St

Fax: 212. 420. 1360

3) Chelsea

250 7th Ave212. 924 .9923

4) Columbus Circle

10 Columbus Circle

Ste. SC101

Fax: 212. 823. 9610

 

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