Date of excursion: 10.10.09
New addition: Indeed, Cupcake Colleagues! We would like to present you with a new installation to our extensive cupcake-reviewing process — revisitation. We’ll be sporadically revisiting ghosts of cupcakes past in order to provide you with the most up-to-date, representative, and abridged analyses of your favorite (and not-so favorite) treats.
“… Does that place still sell that cupcake?!”
“… Are the prices still the same?!”
“… How has the service changed over the years?!”
Answers to these questions (and more!) in our new “Revisited” series!
The Cupcake Cafe, take two, eh? Our stomachs were prepared for what we deemed to be one of the more delicious cupcakes/cupcake-eating atmospheres we’ve encountered in our happy trails.
But we couldn’t just slap a “Revisited” on you without some style.
That’s right, ladies and gentleboys, it is time for the long-awaited, [twelfth of a] feature-length documentary on yours truly: the Cupcake Gang. (Directed by resident Francis Ford Cupcake-ola-expert, Choco-Matzo.*)
“Look at that depth of field!”
(Shut up, Vanilla.)
So we arrived at the Cupcake Cafe (forks ready) and chose our flavors — flavors of which have now come to be known as staples in the Cupcake Community**: chocolate vanilla, chocolate chocolate, vanilla chocolate, and, once again, the sultry stylings of the holy maple walnut.
A Machiavellian cupcake clerk soured the mood of sweet consumption/filmmaking at once. She may have had good intentions, but her ability to instill fear into a Gang as tough as ours was astounding — so we bowed our heads in sorrow for her disdain for the visual arts (and probably puppies).
“The cahsier was nicer last time,” someone muttered.
He sure was.
And so we sat down at a lovely table (adorned with highly-appropriate rat-rabbit hybrid designs), and began our second take on the Cupcake Cafe.
First in the spotlight***: Chocolate Vanilla.
Not a bad choice at all, cupcake fans. Cut nicely, and a welcome addition to our previous experiences with bad chocolate vanillas.**** But, then again, even though it was good, it’s still nothing to write Gramma about.
Second up: Vanilla Chocolate.
That beautiful cut! That icing! That moist cake! That exquisite flower! And the way it just melted in your mouth and —
“Can we eat the next one now?” Lemon Meringue mhehw-ed.***** (The movie lights and Hollywood fame were getting the best of our patience.)
Third up: Chocolate Chocolate.
This cupcake was twelve different kinds of scary.
“The pollen on the flower looks like bird feces,” Choco-Choco Chip noted.
“It looks more like a coccoon,” Cappuccino Swirl replied.
“…. Lemon Meringue hates snails,” Vanilla added.
And not only was its appearance offsetting, folks. But the taste — oh how it crumbled over everything in sight! How it failed to cohesively blend into a medley of chocolate depth and ecstasy in the mouth! How the icing was just so plum[b] melty! The camera crew almost buckled over in tears at the sight of a cupcake gone so terribly wrong (but they couldn’t, owing to the fact that insurance is costly and does not cover NaCl and lysozyme tear-seepage into equipment).
We can only hope that you, the Cupcake Craving Public, should never experience the chocolate-squared travesty we experienced at that moment. (And we suppose it’s not completely your fault, Choco-Choco Chip.)
Fourth up: Maple Walnut.
There are no words.
There are too many words.
No! There are words — “this cupcake is delicious,” to be precise.
What an informative revisit! Laughter (maple walnut), tears (Machiavelli), and plenty of crumbs (Chocolate Chocolate).
With that said, we hereby extend not just a wonderous, frosting-coated “thank you” to Choco-Matzo and Company for handling our delicate evaluation process with such care, but also a cordial invitation to join the Cupcake Gang on any upcoming journeys through fiery pits of brimstone, soot, and grime — all in the hopes of discovering the best cupcakes in the world (or just New York).
Look before you leap.
And eat cupcakes.
“… we were being filmed?!” Vanilla roared.
*And his swift n’ sassy crew of cupcake trainees: Tres “the Pinto Bean” Leches, Tiramisu, and Colombian Coffee.
**A prosperous society of peoples just outside of Simsbury, Connecticut.
***Hip and showbizzy diction!
****Vanilla and Choco-Choco chip are rumored to share a cousin — Chocolate Vanilla. Choco-Choco Chip has demanded a cousinternity test.
*****Think of a cat’s face. Think of a sour cat’s face. Think of the type of “meow” it would make. That’s what this noise is.