Billy’s Bakery.

NOTE: New format! Because of popular demand, we have removed the individual comments at the end of each entry, to give you a more succinct visual-tasting experience. Bon appetit!

Date of excursion: 08.27.08

Cupcakes are back in session, my friends! Too bad school is, as well.

Indeed, the Cupcake Gang is reunited (and it feels quite nice).

After the summer came a-brewin’, the Gang was a-stewin’ for some cupcake action. However, this a-hankerin’ came at around 10:00 in the evening. And who’s going to sell a brothah cupcakes that late?! Billy’s Bakery, that’s who.

After a sweltering subway ride through the rough streets of Gotham, we arrived at our destination. Adorned with a quaint, painted sign (much like one would use for a baby’s room, should this baby be named “Billy’s Bakery”), it was easy to spot.

The gang entered the bakery to the smooth, upbeat sounds of party-time music. The cashiers were a-movin’ (and a-groovin’), probably in order to harness the powers of the Cupcake Gods. But we were all gods that night, friends. We all were.

“One of each, pwease,” Choco-Choco Chip requested.

The cashier danced and grumbled about missing a party tonight (missing what party? The party just walked through the door!). We received our golden box of cupcake fooderies, and promptly gathered our utensils and napkins, in search of a place to sit. But e’erybody in the club was getting cupsy at the tables! So we had to find seating in a separate establishment of foodstuffs.

So, where did we dine? None other than Starbucksia, located [everywhere in New York].

The air was sweet, and our forks were positioned for annihilation.

Flashing lights. What were we about to get into?

“Hot and tasty.”

“A racial slur?”

“Frickety fresh.”

In a classic Brown v. Board of Education debate, we could not decide which cupcake would be the first man up. Chocolate-chocolate? Chocolate-vanilla? Vanilla-chocolate? Vanilla-vanilla?

The classic forum for Vanilla and Choco-Choco Chip to mince words. Who is the alpha-dog? Are we in a democracy? A cupcakemocracy? A dictatorship? Can’t Vanilla and Chocolate co-exist?–

Enough! The decision was passed, and Chocolate-Vanilla was decided upon, due to preconceived notions that chocolate cake is sometimes unsatisfactory, as well as the Best for Lasteth Principle*.

The cut. Oooh, that’s some hard icing.

“No crumblin’ up in here!” someone exclaimed amidst the pandemonium. An interesting mix — hard icing, and no-crumblin’?

“The cake is not delicious, but the icing isn’t pretentious,” Cappaccino Swirl jived, while swervin’ to smooth jams.

“This is dry and cocoa-tasting. The icing is unassuming. The sprinkles add a sweet crunch,” said Choco-Choco Chip.

“What a unique icing,” Lemon Meringue smarmed.

“Eatin’ snow. Choco is cray-cray,” Vanilla cooed.

Next up was Chocolate-Chocolate. A Chip family favorite.

An interesting trend. The chocolate cake in this cupcake, too, proved to be slightly under par — and this, unlike in miniature golf, was a “no-no,” my friends.

But wait a minute — Lemon Meringue interjects. She enjoys the cake, and likens it to a brownie! An argument ensued.

A heap of buttery sand does not a cupcake make! Who threw that? Put your fists down! Leave Magnolia out of this!

Through this turmoil (and a heated and long-winded segue into the movie “Face Off” — which no one had seen), a common ground emerged: even if the cake nor the icing could be agreed upon, the sprinkles delicately placed upon these cupcakes were a universal “yes-yes.” A “yes-yes”, indeed.

Evidence of this fact: The Vanilla-Vanilla.

Disco lights on a Friday night — Sugar! That’s all that can be said for this sweet icing. Not the best icing, but certainly tasty and fun to look at.

But what about the cake itself? After two rounds of debatable chocolate cake, this moment was crucial …

Cue violin music. This cake was moist. Marvelous. M– … Some other “m” adjective.

(Choco-Choco Chip curses under her breath as another chocolate cake bites the dust, and another vanilla cake reigns blows upon said dust.)

Due to this frenzy of excitement, it appears that the notes regarding our dear friend, Vanilla-Chocolate, were eaten. We’ve searched up, down, to the left (to the left, we’ve searched everything we own in that box to the left**), to the right — and we just cannot seem to come up with any other explanation for this crisis.

With that said, this entry is dedicated to you, Vanilla-Chocolate. May the forks be with you.

Done.

Overall

Chocolate-Vanilla

The best of the bunch. Good icing. Good sprinkles. Good presentation. Clean-cut. Fresh. Handsome.

Chocolate-Chocolate

Good sprinkle adornment. A tad dry for some, and fine-and-dandy for others. A true Equator division between the chocolate perceptions of the group. But this cupcake provided an honest effort for what Chip has deemed to be “an extremely worthy cause in this world of overpowering Vanillas.” She would not elaborate on the additional subtext of this statement.

Vanilla-Vanilla

A champion among cakes. A bit overambitious in terms of sugar in the icing. But, as usual, always right on target for sprinkles. It makes you want to hum a little tune.

Vanilla-Chocolate

We knew you well.

 

Billy’s Bakery

 

*The Best for Lasteth Principle, vetoed by President Nixon in 1972 only to be re-introduced into Congress during the presidency of Jimmy “Jimmies” Carter. It states that a grueling analysis of the palate compatibility of a cupcake shall be conducted before the mass-consumption of cupcakes.

**A lyric from a song titled “Irreplaceable.” We never quite understood what Beyonce was talking about in this song– who’s trying to replace cupcakes? Can’t be done.

Billy’s Bakery (1 location):

184 9th Avenue (Between 21st and 22nd Street) 212.647.9956 (We went to this location)

Average Cost: $2.50

Hours:

Sun. 9a-10p, Mon.-Thurs. 8:30a-11p,Fri.-Sat. 8:30a-12a