Crumbs.

Date of excrusion: 2.23.08

The Cupcake Gang was watching a scary movie about a girl who must have had rabies (or maybe she was a thirteen-year-old) when they got a hankering for some cupcakes. They trekked over to the nearest cupcakery– Crumbs.

It had a large window which beckoned us like a beckoner to its beckonee.

It took approximately 11.6 years (leap years included) to choose what cupcakes to purchase. There were so many cupcake candidates to choose from, it was like the Democratic primary– so many delicious options (oh, and the cupcakes looked good, too).

Vanilla asked Mr. PimpCake, “What is your favorite cupcake?”

Mr. PimpCake replied, “Well, actually I’m allergic to them, so I haven’t tried any of them. But red velvet is the most popular.”

We examined Red Velvet. Done.

Vanilla asked Mr. PimpCake, “What is your second most popular cupcake?”

Mr. PimpCake replied, “The Artie Lange.” Done.

Sensing an oncoming friendship, Vanilla then asked PimpmasterCake, “What is your third most popular cupcake?”

PimpyCake replied (in a somewhat disgruntled tone of voice), “I don’t keep a list of these things.”

Vanilla, after sobbing on the ground and being escorted to a nearby therapy center, returned to state the original premise of her question: “What would you suggest?”

PimpaZilla replied, “Cookie dough.”

We decided to purchase a vanilla cupcake with chocolate buttercream frosting.

“It smells like a Quizno’s sub,” Cappuccino Swirl stated. No one agreed.

We sat at a table near the windows. We opened our Pandora’s plastic box of cupcakes to undress Cupcake One (chocolate buttercream). As we began to toast our cakes, Cappuccino Swirl noted the incest between our cake pieces, as they began to touch and crumble upon each other in the name of love.

We noted the music taste of the Crumbs staff. We approved.

[Red Hot Chili Peppers Interlude. Sexy.]

Lemon Meringue spilled cupcakes all over the table. The table was 3 inches away from explosion, but Lemon Meringue slurped the crumbs up just in time. Crisis averted.

Then, it was time for Cupcake Two (Artie Lange).

“This cake is in my fingernails,” said Choco-Choco Chip. “It’s like Indian food, without the stains.”

We began to dissect the cupcake. Lemon Meringue taught Vanilla about vanilla intercourse.

“I enjoy the circumference of this cupcake. It looks like the trim of a skirt,” said Lemon Meringue.

There was an awkward pause as a lady dropped something on the ground. Cappuccino Swirl thought it was a bag of forks. Lemon Meringue thought it was a very controlled shattering of glass. Choco-Choco Chip thought it was a baby made out of newspaper. Vanilla thought.

There’s chocolate filling in this cupcake, we collectively noted. “Surprise, surprise, puppy surprise!”

It appeared that these Crumbs cupcakes required some sort of beverage, as their intense moistness was difficult to handle alone. Milk or water is certainly a must for cupcake amateurs and experts alike. 

Crumbs was certainly an appropriate name for this place, as we noted the increasing moistness of the cupcake that Choco-Choco Chip likens to melting butter. The cake crumbled all over the table, again. Lemon Meringue slurped it up, as explained earlier.

After Cupcake Two was destroyed, we moved onto Cupcake Three (red velvet). Red velvet. So ominous (we likened the inside to blood and guts).

[Plastic fork fight between Vanilla and Choco-Choco Chip. “You’re making fire in my loins,” said Vanilla.]

Cupcake Three was an obstacle. It was tough, not moist. It was red, not… other colors. It was… salty? (No one else agreed with Cappuccino Swirl on this one.)

“It tastes like cloth.”

“It tastes like metal.”

“It tastes like a coin.”

“It tastes like a young woman’s chewed up purse.”

“It tastes like bread. Bad bread.”

“D for disgusting.”

[A water bottle continued to roll off of the table. The table almost exploded.]

Vanilla caught Lemon Meringue on Candid Camera, much to Lemon Meringue’s disappointment. Lemon Meringue likened her photograph to a disgruntled cat. Choco-Choco Chip loves disgruntled cats.

Eventually, Cupcake Three was destroyed. Even though he put up a fight, we still won.

As our journey at Crumbs came to a close, we concluded that there was one common theme throughout every cupcake in the world, whether it was moist, dry, hard, rough, smelly, sticky, drippy, hot, sparkly, scandalous, unattractive, voluptuous, or sweet: each cupcake is individual. Each cupcake is sassy. Each cupcake has a song to sing.

Overall:

Cupcake One (Chocolate Buttercream)

Cappuccino Swirl: The chocolate buttercream frosting was silky smooth*, and the sprinkles added that BAM crunch.

Choco-Choco Chip: The yellow cake is silky-smooth like Akon’s voice. But so silky-smooth that it CRUMBles. The icing was pretty dec[ent].

Lemon Meringue: The fluffy YELLOW cake was adorned with a generous helping of frosting, but could I tell that it was buttercream chocolate? … It was just candies and sprinkles.

Vanilla: I would eat just the bottom.

Cupcake Two: Artie Lange

Cappuccino Swirl: The cupcake made my throat dry like a desert. But it was a decent dessert. I liked the crunchy topping. I’m all for the crunch.

Choco-Choco Chip: Again. A good cake (but very crumbly). I liken the icing to Mike Brady from “the Brady Bunch”: very serious, and linoleum-like. It was cool, but not the cooliest.

Lemon Meringue: After a quick caucus with my taste buds, I found the cupcake to be very rich in chocolate (the top and the filling), but the filling was needed to keep the flaky cake together.

Vanilla: I like cake.

Cupcake Three (Red Velvet)

Cappaccino Swirl: Cappuccino Swirl was less than pleased. Taste was a tich salty. Frosting was dec[ent].

Choco-Choco Chip: The cake itself was very tough– it was like chewing a piece of cloth covered with wimpy, flimsy, whispery icing. I liken this cupcake to a sugary con artist– you SEEM delicious, but you are truly quite evil.

Lemon Meringue: If this cupcake were a red velvet carpet, it would be one leading to nowhere. The taste… I couldn’t name it. It had no direction. I say “Make it cake”, and it definite wasn’t made.

Vanilla: FRIENDZ. Not with this one.

*”silky smooth” (as mentioned in Cappuccino Swirl’s comment) and “silky-smooth” (as mentioned in Choco-Choco Chip’s proceeding comment) are completely different phrases–in every way imaginable.

Crumbs (6 locations):

1) The Village: 37 East 8th Street (Between University Place and Greene Street) 212.673.1500 (We went to this location)

Average Cost: $3.25

2) Wall Street: 87 Beaver Street (Between Hanover Street and Pearl Street) 212.480.7500

3) Bryant Park: 43 West 42nd Street (Between 5th Ave. and 6th Ave.) 212.221.1500

4) Upper East Side: 1371 Third Avenue (Intersection of Third Ave. and 78th Street) 212.794.9800

5) Upper West Side: 321 1/2 Amsterdam Avenue (Intersection of Amsterdam Ave. and 75th Street) 212.712.9800

6) East Hampton: 35 Newtown Lane (Between Park Place and Main Street)

Hours:

1) Sunday 10a -9p, Mon. 7:30a-9p, Tues.-Thurs. 7:30a-10p, Fri. 7:30a -11p, Sat. 10a -11p

2) Sun.- CLOSED, Mon.-Fri. 7:30a-8p, Sat.- CLOSED

3) Sun. – CLOSED, Mon.-Fri. 7a-8p, Sat. – CLOSED

4) Sun. 8:30a-9p, Mon.-Tues. 7:30a-9p, Wed.-Fri. 7:30a-10p, Sat. 8:30a-11p

5) Sun. 8:30a-9p, Mon.-Tues. 7:30a-9p, Wed.-Fri. 7:30a-10p, Sat. 8:30a-11p

6) Unavailable